I was concerned about how to build a high self-esteem in my son and
to some degree in myself. I did my share of research and experimentation
to see if there was any way to objectively increase my son’s self-esteem
level. I found the following seven principles:
- Build relationships
- Be non-threatening
- Nurture success
- Bridge to a loving world
- Foster the freedom to choose
- Deal with strong emotions
- Invite the affirming spirit
The first principle is to build a good relationship with the child.
One way to look at this is that the parent needs to be there for their
child when the child wants the parent. This will make the child feel
that they are important to the parent. The parent should take the time
to listen to what the child is saying while they are together to boost
the child’s perception of the level of caring the parent has for them.
A good idea is for the parent to remember the names of the child’s friends
and to learn something about each of them to show the child that you
are truly listening to them. By balancing listening and listened to
time the concept of equality in the parent-child relationship is built.
It also helps along the relationship if there are similar activities
that the parent and the child both enjoy to do together. If you have
a connection with a place that is special to you, you should take that
child to that place and explain to them why it is special. This can
make the child feel like a part of you.
The second principle is to be non-threatening to the child. Children
will look up to a parent more when the parent does not seem to overpower
them or look down at them. Parents must be careful not to argue with
their children on the child’s fears or fantasies, but instead must try
to show empathy with these fears and fantasies. It is crucial to avoid
the display of negative feelings regarding the child’s activities and
interests. The time spent with the child needs to be relaxing and predictable
so there is no need for them to feel threatened. The parent really needs
to be aware of when they are doing things that may make the child feel
embarrassed. The parent can unwittingly put up a wall between himself
or herself and the child. A big item to avoid is the trust test. Testing
a child’s trustworthiness causes nothing but ill will between parent
and child. In deed, this will cause the child’s self-esteem to drop
due to the message sent that they are not even worth the trust of their
parent.
The third guiding principle is to nurture success, which is an extremely
important key to creating a healthy self-esteem. The parent can help
the child to grow a healthy esteem just by watching the sayings around
and about the child. The parent needs to emphasize the positive during
praise and not highlight the negative issues surrounding the praise.
Negative issues should be reserved for criticism or discipline. Acknowledgement
of the signs of being a caring individual is important to the nurturing
of success. This may be when they willingly help the parent with a task
or when they purchase the parent a gift. In fact, when the child is
successful at anything the parent needs to give the child positively
glowing praise for starting and completing the task successfully. Additionally,
the parent needs to be completely open with the child and let them know
ahead of time what the parent’s expectations are for them. This way
there are no surprises to disturb the child’s routine.
The fourth principle is to create a bridge to a loving world. A key
idea is to share a special possession with the child. This is the underlying
meaning of, “take a special token and share it with the child”. The
child will feel the trust and a special bond with the parent because
the parent allowed the child to touch this special token. By allowing
the child to share this token, you are also giving them the feeling
that they are a part of your world. A very important point is that when
the parent has more than one child to deal with, the parent needs to
show these children how to share the parent with not only each other
but other people a well without feeling as if they will lose the parent.
If the child wants to help when the parent is simply making breakfast,
lunch, dinner, or even doing housework it is important to allow the
child to participate. This will help in the process building self-worth,
which is a key in the nurturing of a healthy self-esteem. The parent
should try to connect with the child and find out their likes and dislikes.
The parent should also try to let the child understand the parent’s
feelings about a situation such as a death in the family. Doing this
will also help to bring out some of the fears the child may have and
it gives the parent the ability to then make another connection with
the child. Finally, the parent must never make the child’s issues seem
small and unimportant.
The fifth principle is to encourage the freedom to choose. The parent
must learn how to let the child make choices for themselves. The parent
can try to direct the child into the correct directions by teaching
the differences between right and wrong. The other thing the parent
needs is to be patient when the child is trying to communicate with
the parent. It is important for the child to know that no matter how
aggravating their actions may be, there are times that by the parent
allowing it to happen it is good for the child’s self esteem. When the
need arises to make a decision, the parent should attempt to involve
the children as this helps build the concept of “my opinion matters”
or “my parents do want to hear my thoughts”. This makes that child feel
extremely good. Such flexibility to do what the child is interested
in not only makes the child feel good; it also makes the child feel
as if their wants are important. Trust is another big issue that helps
a child grow self-esteem. Trust needs to be shown openly and be two-sided
not just one-sided. That is the parent must trust the child as much
as the child trusts the parent. Finally, one last way of freedom of
choice is to teach children how to like themselves and to like others
people as well. This is invaluable in nurturing a healthy self-esteem.
Most kids who have unhealthy self-esteems are because they usually do
not even like themselves, let alone the liking of others. For example,
I remember in school I had such a low self-esteem and believed that
no one could really like me. The once people began to like me, I found
myself going into a deeper shell as I could not understand what was
different about me that suddenly I was likeable. (Editors note: she
always was likeable, she just did not know it)
The sixth principle lies in learning to deal with strong emotions.
Emotions can be a very tricky subject when it comes to a child with
a self-esteem problem. This is because the child with the low self-esteem
tends to either lock their emotions away or the emotions are on display
for others to see. Some children will not share their emotions because
they feel that no one wants to hear about it. The first step a parent
must take is to let the child know that it is all right to show emotions
and that the child should not hide them. The parent must provide the
child with an outlet for the child’s emotions. When strong feelings
are being shown, the parent needs to allow space for the child to cool
down and so that the child does not try to combat the parent. Yet, at
the same time as the parent teaches the child to connect with their
emotions, the parent must teach how to put distance from some emotions,
too. When a child feels stress, the parent should try to give a way
of dealing with the stress in once again, a non-harmful physical way.
Karate, boxing and working out are possible ways for the child to release
stress. A dilemma facing most children with low self-esteems is that
they try to prove through many tasks that they are unlovable and undesirable.
This is in fact the child’s mechanism to stay within their shell. The
parent needs to show the child that no matter what they are or who they
are that the parent cares and that the parent accepts them and loves
them.
The seventh and final principle is to invite the affirming spirit.
I quote a section from one of the books I used in my research. It goes
like this, “ This book is about inviting into the world the miracle
of growth, the unique spark of divine spirit, which every child contains.
It is within this spark that there lives all the hidden potential that
waits to be realized over a lifetime: The ability to learn, to relate,
to grow, to create, to love and beloved, to feel alive and powerful
in the world, to be able to trust and feel compassion, to be playful
and curious, to enjoy the as well as the familiar, to forgive mistakes,
to take risks, to give affection and receive it, to want to touch and
be touched deeply, to laugh at the humanness of things, and to reach
beyond oneself. In all things, the affirming spirit strives to bring
forth one’s own unique self.” When first I read that quote, I cried
because it is so true that we are here to help our children grow and
reach their full potential. Parents can unintentionally suffocate and
burn out the spark that wants to get out and shine to the world. Parents
must help their children to be and feel positive about their self no
matter how bad any situation gets. It is important to tell our children
how great they are in all they do. When the parent sees something incredibly
special in the child we need to let them know about it and not keep
it a secret from that child. When a child does something socially unacceptable,
the parent needs to be firm in letting them know that we are not angry
with the child, but the choice they made that makes us unhappy. When
coming across new things that look like fun to the child we need to
realize it and keep it fun so the child will always enjoy it. The way
the parent touches our children is also a way of letting their self-esteem
know what we think. If our touch is harder than our words, then guess
what? Our words end up not having meaning to them at all. Parents must
touch our children with love and not anger. It is important to make
them aware verbally when we are upset with them. This principle was
the toughest for me as I read it I saw my own faults when it comes to
my relationship with my twelve year old son.
In summary, a child’s self-esteem can be so easily ripped apart just
by verbal comments and even worse by physical contacts. Everyone needs
to be aware of this because it is not only children who we can easily
rip apart with our words and actions, it even works on some adults.
I try to explain to my son that he should treat people the way you would
want to be treated. This is known as the Golden Rule. Having a child
whose self-esteem is very unhealthy. I have finally begun to let my
own son choose his own interests instead of just throwing him into something
so that he is busy. It seems to be working. I did so much reading and
looked at so many books for this topic and each one was very eye opening.
I noticed that I myself have an unhealthy self-esteem due to what has
been said to me by my parents throughout my life. Now I need to make
it a point to stop so it will not be passed down to my own children.
One of the books I read was Common Sense Discipline: Building Self-esteem
in Young Children written by Lois Dewsnap. In this book, which is
from life stories, I found many familiar situations in my own life as
in this book. However, one thing I do remember is that we can change
these situations from staying in a negative mode to being more positive.
Sharyn Kenneally, June 19, 2001
For further reading:
Berne, Patricia H. and Savary, Louis M., (1985). Building Self-Esteem
in Children. New York: Comtinuum Publishing Company.
Dewsnap, Lois and Mitchell, Grace, (1995). A Dr. Grace Mitchell
Book: Common Sense Discipline Building Self-esteem in Young Children
Stories from Life. Glen Burnie Maryland: Telshare Publishing Company.
Ph.D. Seldman, Martin L., (1988). Performance without Pressure:
A Guide for Parents. United States: Walker Publishing Company.
Branden, Nathaniel, (March1994). Six Pillars of Self-Esteem:
The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem. New York: Bantam Books.
Steinem, Gloria, (1992). Revolution from Within: A Book
of Self-Esteem. Canada: Little, Brown & Company Limited.